Glamour Tram Stories

At the top of the backlot is the last of the tram animations: The Spinning Tube. If you’re feeling sick, beware of this ride. Me and my mannequins, however, are up to the challenge!

My fellow student drivers and I listen closely as our instructor, Dennis, shares his expertise in accessing the tube. He must have been “tube spinning” for years I imagine–he probably dreams about it.

We park at the entrance to the Spinning Tube and exit the Glamour Tram. Dennis takes us on foot through this slippery tunnel where the walls look as if they’re completely made of ice.

But it’s not the ice that makes the tunnel slippery. Rather, hydraulic oil leaks create the unstable walking surface. Once Dennis has walked us through the space, the next step is driving through, but only with the animation turned off. At first glance it doesn’t look that hard–just a simple road through a tunnel–and I’m feeling pretty confident about it.

After our dry run, we’re now ready to navigate the tunnel with the tube animation turned on. As with all the other animations, we trigger it by way of a tiny garage-door-opening genie. The detonator box is hidden in a snow bank.

I’m the first student to attempt this part, and my tram and I are ready to go. A light signals us proceed, and Dennis watches my every move from the guide’s seat.

The spinning tube begins to spin my brain in circles!

I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel until–oh shit!–I realize it’s just a mirror! Are we going to crash?

Not a moment later, the mirror parts and the tram exits into the bright, mid-day sunlight. “Fine Job!” says Dennis.

This tends to be where drivers receive the most esteem. The tour guides butter you up with flattery while the tourists (who aren’t vomiting!) applaud.

The young man above looks ready to blow…

My mannequins appear to have enjoyed this immensely!

Mastering the tube is the last part of the Glamour Tram training course. Afterward, each of us is presented with a “certificate of proficiency” in safe handling and operation of a Hollywood Glamour Tram.

This is a big moment for me. I’m officially part of a team now. The few, the proud, the Glamour Tram driver!

Wriiten and lived by Donnie Norden…page 11

Just up the road from the Ghost Train exhibit is a tiny seaside town, who’s only inhabitant is a Great White Shark.

A dock allows the Glamour Tram to ease right along side this quaint New England harbor set. A fishing boat is all that one can see as we line-up to practice negotiating this popular exhibit.

According to Dennis: “The plan here is to have each and every tram car be along side the shark that lunges up from the deep–one shark attack per trailer!”

Easier said than done. This will require careful timing and constant use of tram side mirrors as I pull forward on this dock that, I should point out, also tilts!

“The goal,” Dennis goes on, “is to have each trailer experience the same effect as the one that preceded it. Four shark ‘pop-ups’ for four tram cars.”

This will take some practice to get used to. Nothing in our conventional driving careers has prepared us for something like this, but it’ll look great on the resume!

Basically, I’m the driver of a lengthy getaway car, and we practice this exhibit daily over the course of our 5-day instruction. It’s the most popular ride here, although I’ll soon find out that it breaks down constantly. Apparently the old shark has grown moody. He’s only got so many attacks left in him!

This is often how the shark takes break…he is a “must see” star at Worldwide!

The Psycho House sits atop the hill overseeing the shark attack experience.

Once we conclude our Great White experience, we navigate the trams uphill toward the instantly recognizable Psycho house (pictured above) and its adjacent hotel.

Soon after, we head into Rock Hudson Circle where Dennis points out various houses of interest. Interestingly enough, this entire neighborhood was previously located in another part of World Wide’s lot, but was recently moved. Only in Hollywood!

As we complete Rock Hudson circle, Dennis jokes, “It’s named after him because it goes both ways!”

The remainder of the tram tour is fairly relaxing. Nice breezes and views await in the wildlife area that we pass through en route back to where we began this tour loop.

Before we touch base, however, we must first visit “The Spinning Tube” ride. Folks, let me tell ya, this one’s not easy for the drivers, but it’s worth the effort to become a Tube Master.

Stay Tubed till next time!

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 10

 

My Glamour Tram training now takes us to this iconic movie set. We’ll need to learn the proper technique to safely exit to the other side of this self-draining lagoon. Yes, my magic genie controls that also!

Dennis, my trainer, gives us the low-down on what to expect here at this island destination. We’re told to interact with the guide here. We must listen to her or his set-up, then trigger our genie as the tram shouts “Part the Lagoon!”

This is about as much interaction as we get on the tour route. The more personal interaction already took place at the backside of Prop Plaza.

Dennis rightly mentions “Beware of the tram while exiting, it may fight you like a hooked sword fish! The exit ramp and the area beyond it are very slick, you can have a heck of a time gaining traction in the rain. Wait for the water to drain to the bottom of the grid first.”

“Each driver needs to get a feel for what I’m talking about,” he continues, his spin coinciding with the spinning of my tires. Ironically, we’re experiencing the very phenomenon he’s been describing. Dennis now wears an evil smile, apparently enjoying this moment. The mannequins provide little weight to off-set this slippery slide, but the sand bags take over finally, giving us just enough bite to exit.

“Many factors apply,” Dennis advises us. “Weight, water level, tram tires, speed, driver ability, etc.”

Meanwhile, a torpedo gets launched from a nearby submarine, exploding in a huge water spout. Water lands on the tram like rain. My pocket genie initiates all this mayhem, what a tool!

Once again, I’m on a set I’ve previously seen as a trespasser. “Tales of the Gold Monkey” shoots just opposite the the black lagoon! The last time I was here, I was privileged enough to pet a movie dog, in costume, wearing a patch on his eye.

The set that night was that of a crashed airplane in the jungle with skeletons inside of it.

This show was cancelled just a year before hand.

We all practice this lagoon exit stunt and feel we have a handle on it. Let’s move forward to the studio’s European sets.

We slowly move over the cobblestone roadway and through the narrow little stretch of village. The curbs in this village are all rounded off and worn down. Dennis points out that trams have done this over time, particularly the last car. The front power unit that I operate from never feels what’s happening way back there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aLiT3wXko0

We stop in the center of “Berlin” and walk around each twist and turn we’ll face on this portion of the guided tour.

I was on the set of “The Voyagers” on this street just last year and watched a chase sequence. While climbing around in these European buildings, we happened upon a poker game some of the crew were having. This, I decided, was a fort built by employees, for employees.

This show filmed almost entirely on the backlot.

There are no animations in this section, just real old sets. As drivers, all that is required to learn is not to crash and grind all the curbs in this village. Simple enough!

A castle also looks down upon this village. It was used as the Tower of London in a Vincent Price classic. I think this is the coolest set at World Wide–a maze of turrets with views of the entire backlot. I used to sneak on this set to watch the TV show “Airwolf” film inside it’s cavernous walls.

Next we practice the “Run Away Ghost Train.” It’s pretty simple: the driver uses the Genie to trigger the engine to move forward down a hundred feet of track. It plays out as if we are in jeopardy, of course.

“I can’t stop” shouts the mannequin “engineer” at my tram–that’s also full of mannequins!

The engineer and his train does, of course, stop just short of a calamity. None of the

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 8

This site is best navigated like a book… start at the beginning… cheers!

Our Glamour Tram now begins training for proper entry into the old “Black Water Flood” experience. . .

We sit in the Glamour Tram perched atop Pine Cone Hill. Pine trees line both sides of this one-lane highway that allows only one-way traffic–and that one way is down. This forested area involves twists and turns that are tricky for this 16-wheel contraption to navigate.

As we arrive in a small Mexican  village set, we trigger our genie to begin the “Dirty Water” escapade. This is the oldest part of the World Wide lot. I’ve watched this animation several times before, but only as a trespasser. Now I’m seeing it  from the Captain’ seat of my Glamour Tram.

Thunder and lightning signal that trouble is brewing as we come to a complete stop. Rain begins to fall from a sunny blue sky. Only in Hollywood! Anticipation reaches its peak just before the large gates release 10,000 gallons of water down a deserted street.

Tram trailers 2 and 3 can get filthy wet here…

Normally the flood has much less water than 10,000 gallons. Busy tour days cut short the time needed to properly recycle, so it tends to be closer to 4,000 gallons. When only a trickle of water is released, the guests faces generally reflect disappointment. Is that it? Rumor has it the water is recycled into the tourist drinking fountains!

This is nevertheless a very relaxing spot on a hot afternoon. The water may look bad, but smells good!

We exit after the sound effects turn off, and the last gallon of dirty water disappears. Next, we drive to the old west set, “5 points Texas,” with streets pointing in 5 directions.

Dennis instructs us to park exactly in the middle of town so our mannequins can see in every direction. I look back at them, and realize many of my passengers are wet. At least we experienced the full 10,000 gallons of that Dirty Black Water.

 

Now we arrived at the site of my favorite TV show in the early seventies: “Alias Smith and Jones.” I love cowboys on the run. I jump out of the Glamour Tram to kick up a little dust and reminisce. This was my favorite part of the lot to sneak into before they started paying me.

One of the roads in this old western town has an active train, one that actually runs itself like a Ghost Train. Of course I’ve ridden the “Run Away Train” before, but again, only as a trespasser. Back then, I pulled a mannequiun out of the train’s engine compartment and personally replaced him as the train engineer. A sound track shouts, “Look out, I can’t stop!” as the trains come close to the trams.

It is all dummy-proofed, naturally. The engineer is only for show, and the sound track is on a recorded loop. All we have to do is trigger the train by way of the tram genie at the right moment.

It’s so simple, even I could do it!

Yes, I’ve been a train and a tram engineer on this very same street.

Much more intense training ahead, stay tuned!

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 9

 

There’s a hill at the exit of the Perilous Bridge that looks a bit menacing due to it’s steep incline. It takes you to a mandatory guest stop, what we employees know as a “cash grab,” requiring all passengers to exit, hopefully spend money, and reboard.

Today, however, my passengers will remain seated. They can’t walk remember–they’re mannequins, along for the ride as we continue our Glamour Tram operator testing.

“Pulling the tram up the hill was simple this afternoon,” Dennis tells us. “But this can be the most difficult part of the tram route when the tram is fully loaded. You’ll often need a push from Wild Bill’s Tug Boat looking truck. It’s something we can’t practice but, ou will experience it!”

As we reach the summit, we follow a road that circles this facility. While doing so, you witness the excitement that awaits you, this is a must exit the tram destination.

We practice very intricate tram operational manuevers here, lots of people in very tight spaces, Dennis warns us. Today it’s empty so we can practice. It usually just open for summer days and Christmas time.

We all take turns practicing this circle jerk.

Next, we park and chat a bit more about this area. Dennis looks at me directly, “this is  a notorius pick-up spot for drivers.” He does not mean loading the trams, he mentions, “it’s here where the magic developed with him and his tour guide wife.”

We half-ass applaud, he continues…”You and your guide can be stuck in the circle back-up for quite some time so this is where you let it all hang out, just you and her!”

“Him’s too” if you wish for that dish. Dennis laughs hard at his joke. I take all this insight to heart.

The future will play out just that way… No truer words have ever been spoken!

“People will argue and make up excuses why they can’t get off… just say company policy.” he gives more valuable insight.

“Tourists get a sniffing of what to expect here with the long lines to reboard trams as we pass in front of  the reboarding area, it’s a controlled KAOS!”…Dennis paints a Night Gallery type picture descriptive of what to expect.

This cash grab area is presently vacant.

As we all sit together, I can’t help tripping on Dick…He has one big eye and one squinting eye. I reckon, the big one is his killing eye…The one that looked through the site on his 50 caliber machine gun. He has one good eye and he can barely hear…

 

   

I can’t help wonder how many folk he has killed,…an interesting hire.

Dennis takes time here to reinforce tram safety rules…

“By pulling cord, it will activate a bell on the Glamour Tram dashboard, such as you probably have mounted on your bicycle handle bars. Good luck hearing it with all the commotion that goes on”…

“It is easy to fall out of these trams on animations and turns.”

 

Iroinically, Dennis is smoking at this moment. If you like to take a drag, Prop Plaza is the place to do it.

Fires could easily take off is the reason why smoking is not allowed on the backlot. Otherwise, we would sell cigerettes to parents by the carton…

Below…these smoking items are approved and safe to take on board the Glamour Trams

“Even the best trained drivers can have accidents”…Dennis reminds us.

We wrap things up here at Prop Plaza. The best thing up here is the view.

Next we ascend down the backside of this hill top plaza and begin taking instructions on another iconic animation on the Glamour Tram route.

The Dirty Water Flood is next up in our training session, stay tuned!

Written and lived by Donnie Norden… page 8

Continued from Knight Rider, page 6…

The Kitt car rapidly disappears almost as fast as it appeared. But the energy level picked up for every passenger that’s not a mannequin.

“That’s the norm around here,” I’m thinking. “And they pay me to do this!”

I drive down the middle of the New York street not knowing whether to turn left, into small town square, or right, away from the “big city” and down a utility road.

“Orange cones will dictate the route when there’s film production in the area,” trainer Dennis reminds us. “Park the tram here next to them and we’ll take break.” Teamsters get a lot of breaks on this easy gig, it seems.

We all disembark and walk around the corner where “Knight Rider” is currently filming.  David’s behind the wheel of the Kitt car rehearsing a scene where he pulls up in front of a store front.

We watch from the “craft service” table where we scope out the snacks. Dennis and Dick only grab Cokes, but Ted and I are determined to fully capitalize on this opportunity. We make bagels loaded with cream cheese, lox and tomatoes. This is not my first time at a craft service table.

I stack a maple bar on top of my bagel so I can carry my hot cocoa–my hands are full! We head back to the tram and take a seat next to the mannequins.  Dennis starts asking some casual questions. “Are you guys married?”

Between bites of his bagel, Actor Ted tells us he’s “happily married,” but it’s clear his mind is elsewhere. You see, Ted auditioned for the role of Knight Rider, but lost it to Hasselhoff. I can only imagine what he’s thinking:  That should be me inside the Kitt car! David should be the one stuck practicing in this tram! I would kill in this scene!

“I’m happily divorced,” I offer while licking my maple bar. “It appears this is the perfect job for a man who’s unattached. What’s your marital status Captain Dennis?”

“I’m married to a former tour guide here at World Wide, for over a decade now,” he says proudly.

A proud stable of fillies below…

 

Dick chimes in with: “I met a wonderful mail order Asian woman,” but I can’t tell if he’s serious. “We live quite close by,” he says. “And FYI, I double as a tour bus driver.”

Everyone’s heard of “The Odd Couple,” but right here we’ve got “The Odd Trio.” All of us have different agendas.

We chat for fifteen union minutes before the Glamour Tram engine kicks over and our training resumes. “We’re going to practice the Perilous Bridge next,” Dennis informs us, pointing down the path. “It’s that way.”

 

We all stare at the bridge from the road below. Rather than have us drive over it straightaway, Dennis decides to walk us over it first,  and we all share stories along the way.

Dennis goes first. “I met Lee Majors on this bridge. I was working on the ‘6 Million Dollar Man’ and Lee had to run across this while it collapses!”

I go next, trying to one-up Dennis. “I met him more recently on the TV series ‘The Fall Guy.’ He and Roy Rogers were chatting between scenes on the Burbank Studios Western street. Even though I didn’t belong on their set, I had to go shake their hands, and they were extremely polite about it.”

Ted jumps in next. “We did an ‘Airwolf’ episode here!”

And finally, Dick has his say. “This looks like a bridge in Vietnam I filled full of lead!” he boasts, clearly very pleased with himself. “Once a helicopter machine gunner, always a helicopter machine gunner,” I say to myself. “I’m glad I missed that war!”

“So who wants to drive across first?” Dennis asks, and like a puppy I smile and raise my arm.

I make a point of straightening up my “passengers” before I begin.

“On this animation, your handling will be judged on how many of your mannequins stay in place.”

On my first attempt, my timing’s a bit slow, and only half the tram feels the full effects of the animation.

On the second try, I pick up speed, and execute a complete drop as if I’ve done this before. It’s really fulfilling, feeling the momentary freefall of the tram. Then all my passengers hit the floor–a  couple even dangling off the tram’s side.

“Way too fast!” Dennis remarks, and it’s clear my passengers would agree.

I reset the mannequins while the bridge resets itself, something it does every 45 seconds or so.

Large props, best enjoyed in the baking sun, next on my tour. Keep your arms and legs inside the Glamour Tram, please!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFhEN8PcgVE

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 7.

Visit phantomofthebacklots.com

The second half of the guided tour can take up to two hours depending how busy we get. “There are occasional malfunctions,” our instructor Dennis tells me. “And encountering a film shoot in progress can slow us to a crawl.”

We simulate our tour guests boarding the tram and practice shutting the safety gates that keep them inside. “Watch your arms and legs please,” I say to my mannequin friends. I also remember to pull up the wheel chocks, avoiding a common mistake among rookie drivers.

With my guests seated upright per Dennis’ instructions, this Glamour Tram is ready for the long-haul of the backlot tour.

Tour guides use call sheets that are provided daily by the Operations Department. These furnish the guides with the latest material for them to pass on to studio visitors, and also include any variations on our regular route.

I’m an expert at reading call sheets, so when Dennis has us look them over,  I immediately notice that Knight Rider is filming today! What a perk these are–especially since I can use them to plan extracurricular backlot excursions on my own time. You have given this info to the wrong guy!

After my first turn, the tour takes us through the studio’s property warehouse and a narrow isle that barely accommodates the tram. Everything you can imagine is in here, props stacked on props stacked on props. To the left is a Ming Dynasty statue. To the right a Renaissance painting. But don’t touch!

Night Gallery, Rod Serling’s hit TV show, has many unusual paintings for us to see.

Vintage signs in various languages also decorate sections of the massive storage area. Steering the tram out of here is tricky though because of a tight squeeze between the large sliding doors. Dennis has us practice this exit over and over.

We now continue down a main road shared by the entire studio. When the tour is busy, you can expect grid lock in this area, and there’s not much of interest for the guide to talk about. On one side is a garage for transportation repairs, on the other is office space. It can turn into the 405 freeway on any Friday evening, with vehicles barely making progress. I get paid 20 bucks and hour so I’m in no hurry!

Today the main road is unusually traffic-free, and we easily move on to our next destination: the iconic World Wide New York street. It’s long and extremely picturesque, but today it’s empty, as if a pandemic has hit.

The quiet is broken, however, by the arrival of Trans Am at the far end of the street, and it’s headed our way at a good clip. “Here comes the Kitt car,” Dennis says. “Hasselhoff loves to interact with trams and their guests.”

“Wow… but my guests are fake!” I think out loud.

The Kitt car  pulls alongside of the tram, and David is checking out my collection of stiffs. Perhaps he recognizes one or two he’s worked with in the past. Eventually we make eye contact, and he flashes his large white tooth smile.

Then, as quickly as he arrived, Hasselhof punches it, and the Kitt car disappears around a corner. “You can expect that a lot of that” Dennis tells me.

Of course I’m looking forward to that. I bet he’s even more social with a tram full of real people!

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 6

Remember, this blog is best navigated like a book, start with page one, after character introduction…Thanks!

 

Next on our tour, we head down a an incline that leads us from the tour guest money grab area to a functioning movie studio …below. On the way down we slowly pass our next animation.To activate these animations, we must use a special device, a genie!

Not a genie that comes out of a lamp and grants wishes, but more like what opens your garage door. State of the art…this tool is as important to a driver as a microphone is to a tour guide. These are the two must have items for tour to even make partial sense.

Right before we cruise directly in front of this mansion, I must light in on fire!

This is easily done by correctly pushing the open button on my garage door genie. A second button, there are two on this device, turns off the animation and probably will close your garage door… if you live close by.

These animations turn off automatically anyways!

A picture tells a thousand words…exciting!

This brings us to the studio fire department…it’s the real deal. Two fire engines sit proudly polished and ready to go just inside the departments large wood doors. More proudly sit the macho firemen, who Dennis tells me, love to flirt with our female guests when tram back up’s occur in this area of the World Wide lot.

This fire department ironically sits…one – hundred yards down from this constantly burning building.

Fire Men lift weights and flex as we peer in…

My guests have seen this act before. This fire department doubles for the TV show Emergency. The equipment has Company 51 proudly attached. When used in filming… actors who couldn’t put out a camp fire replace the men who can. It’s a union thing around here, some of my guests have worked on this show…

As we continue forward…off to the left of the Glamour Tram, Alfred Hitchcocks office sits silently…abandoned.

Next, we practice dropping off tourists and plucking a different group to load up. We exchange guests… we pick up all the one’s who just experienced the charm and wit of America’s most handsome individual…Mr Robert Wagner.

His life size wax doll duplicate and video tape make this visit seem all so real…

Drivers have four lanes to park and can pick any, to load and unload passengers. This process takes time… so trams can back up waiting… depending on how fast they are dispatched.

Often, trams sit just in front of Engine 51 headqaurters, blocking their emergency exit… as the vultures inside keep working out, …. keep on flexing boys!

Drivers practice safe use of wheel chocking in this area.That requires placing large rubber blocks in front of our front tires, so we have a reduntancie of safety in place. We aslo have our air brakes applied. This way we can assist loading guests aboard. It is here we find out which guide we will have for the rest of the backlot tour.

We our told by Dennis that often drivers make mistakes here… after loading the guests aboard the tram, often drivers fail to pick up the wheel chocks that they just put down. This can pop a tire if the tram operator continues to apply the throttle.

That is an embarrassing way to start the second half of any tour…we are lectured and… reminded. It is usually new hires that make this mistake…Beware!

Cross your fingers on what group and guide head towards your tram. This next part of the tour is the long haul part of the tour…

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 5

Read thephantomofthebacklots.com… it proceeds the Glamour Tram…stay tuned!

 

 

 

 

Animations are just part of this Glamour Tram experience… but, a big part!

They look challenging–we can talk about them all day–but it’s time for my class to experience this magic and mayhem!

We’ll practice with a fully loaded tram…of mannequins! Each anatomically correct, some dressed, some not. A few of the male ones are a bit battle-worn. They stare at each driver candidate in our mirrors as we see them over are shoulder. Often, the Special Effects Dept. uses these same props in battle scenes involving pyro.

Sand bags also are loaded inside the tram to establish the weight needed for proper tram handling. Dennis wants each driver to position each “passenger” in an upright position before releasing the air brakes and wheel chocks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLhN__oEHaw

 

Dennis believes that having our smiling fake audience still upright at the end of a practice tour proves we know what’s expected of us. In other words, if all your passengers are crooked or lying on the floor as you pop open the safety gates at the end of the tour, you may need to practice more!

Below… my guests…from all walks of life.

Tour Guide mannequin…above…Remember, you want her sitting up at the end of the tour, not laying down…as per our training instructions…

I want to be the first in my class to drive this contraption, and I raise my hand excitedly! My tram group includes Ted, the model, Big John, the low-rider, and Dick, a Vietnam vet. Dennis will instruct us while Cliff teaches the others, smoking the whole time I’m sure.

I’m first out on the Tram route this morning. Dennis will tell us where to drive. I know this place like the back of my hand, but everyone else must learn how to get around the enormous back lot.

We start before the actual tour opens so we can focus on the animations before tourists arrive.

We begin exiting the Tram garage, which is in the shadow of World Wide’s music theater. It’s a superb venue where top music acts perform regularly.

A strategically placed traffic signal hidden in some bushes flashes a green-light telling me to proceed. The Glamour Tram slowly turns towards a Space Ship just off the main road.

It is the “Galactic Encounter” animation. The Glamour Tram is the only motorized vehicle that moves independent of a track. Everything else is controlled under the guidance of the parks animation department.

The giant space ship door seals us inside and a Galactic encounter plays out before our eyes. Once inside this spaceship, the driver then can become a tourist for the duration of this show.  Evil Cylons vs. the guests on the Glamour Tram! My guests fail to react, naturally, since they’re all stuffed, but this scene erupts violently into a laser battle unlike any on earth. Our only escape is for the tram operator to hastily steer this craft.

Everyone cheers as the Glamour Tram lives to fight another day. We are rolling now, I have my first animation under my belt as all my passengers look on.

Down the hill we go…stay tuned!

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 4.

 

 

 

  

 

 

Training begins with empty trams and veteran drivers. They walk us around explaining how each car handles and what to look out for on the tram route and at dispatch.

Dennis is the head trainer, and we quickly learn he’s no fan of Iris. “Iris is a stooge for management–he can’t even drive a truck! His job is to fire drivers who cause trouble.” Dennis is also the shop steward for the trams and represents the drivers in contractual disagreements and grievance procedures.

“The tram is powered by a gas engine located in the power unit at the front of every tram,” Dennis explains between drags of his cigarette. “Always use your mirrors, and remember Glamour trams always have the right away. Don’t make a mistake or Iris will get rid of you!”

As we climb aboard a pair a trams, Dennis continues: “Never use reverse, or you’ll jack knife the trailers behind you.” Dennis takes a seat in the tour guide position of one tram, and Cliff occupies the other. The rest of us sit like tourists, some taking notes.

“Before every tour, always check the studio map for closures and route changes,” Dennis says. “You can’t back out once you commit to a corner.”

“Just remember, there is no eraser on this pencil!” Cliff adds in a gruff, slow tone. “Know where you’re going before you turn any corner.” As the lessons continue, we’re all slowly enveloped by the clouds of cigarette smoke coming from both instructors.

“But if things do go wrong, grab that phone on the dash. It’s a “Hotline to Iris”, and he’ll relay your situation to the garage for Bill and Carly. They’ll be able to respond with an oversized four-wheel-drive truck with a front wall for a bumper. It’s like a tug boat.”

“They will either fix your problem or push you off to the side. The Glamour tram  show must go on!”

Other veteran drivers come by to meet the new class of hopefuls. I receive a lot of focus and attention, as does Ted, maybe because we’re already versed in studio lore, or maybe because we look like the ones who’ll be fun to hang out with after work.

I fit that bill it seems. Driver Homo usually gets assigned to one of the plush shuttle vans in the World Wide fleet. He’s very slick, a regular chick magnet, and he likes me. I suspect it’s because I have a fancy beach pad in Santa Monica and he sees that as potentially a good place to party. We talk about who’s hip and who isn’t as he shuttles employees around the lot.  Specifically, what tour guides will do favors for the studio connections drivers can provide.

We are not talking a foot in the door, we’re talking your whole ass!

Homo mentions the sometimes weekend-long parties that take place at the hotels on the property. It’s usually tour guides, operations staff, and a few tourists that can’t get enough of this place. And of course, there are the drivers who constantly pop in and out!

“We often rub shoulders with movie stars and rock stars” Homo explains. “I just drove Steve Perry, from the band Journey, and dropped him off at Telly’s bar.”

Telly’s is a great place to mingle after work, named after actor Telly Savalas (Kojak) who lives on the top floor of the hotel. I can’t wait to meet him!

Homo and I quickly become tight, and he introduces me  to the “insider drivers,” the ones who do more than drive around. These guys get down and dirty!

I’m game for anything, but for now I have to pass the Glamour tram training.

Training concludes when you prove you know the lot, can safely handle this vehicle with 125 passengers on board, and can safely enter and exit the theme park animations.

Let’s go for a test drive next…

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 3

 

 

I respond to this job ad (“Drivers wanted… will train...”) armed with my Class 1 driver’s license and my friendly smile and demeanor. There are a lot of applicants competing for just a few openings, but I’m convinced I’m the right one for the job.

I’m fit, trim, wholesome, handsome, and I am very well spoken. I’m applying to be a driver, not a tour guide. Only one other gentlemen seems like serious competition and we quickly become friends, hitting it off as we wait our turns outside H.R. and its selection process. Ted is my new pal and he tells me he’s already in show business as an actor, having recently appeared on Airwolf.

He was also a centerfold in Helen Gurley Brown’s Cosmopolitan magazine. Most of the other applicants are overweight, battle scarred, and semi-retired–no other centerfolds in this group, I’m sure of that. These guys are has-beens!

There are multiple openings as World Wide is increasing its staff for the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday season.

Sure enough, all goes well! I’m selected for training to operate this specialized vehicle otherwise known as a Glamour Tram.

Ted, my actor/ model friend is also selected and is assigned to the same training class with four other male applicants, all a bit older.

We all become friends immediately and hope to pass training and work together for a long time to come. All that’s required is that we master the biggest people mover in the world, and do so with a smile. The older selectees have much more open-road experience than myself as far as cross country driving is concerned. They are real truckers, whereas my Opie Taylor looks fit the part of an ice cream truck driver rather than a cross country hauler.

I received my commercial license driving heavy equipment for the Southern California Gas Company. I left that job for a break in show business. Few if any job offers for the movie industry appear in newspaper employment sections, but The Santa Monica Evening Outlook alerted me to this prize. Once training is completed successfully, I will then be able to become a full-fledged, Hollywood Teamster.

Of all the new hires, only Ted has worked on shows. The other gentlemen are bus drivers or hauled freight. Ted is well-versed and explains how this new job opens up a plethora of opportunities. The Glamour Tram is an entry level position, for sure, but it  potentially leads to a much richer and fulfilling future in show business.

Ted has an entertainment background. Myself, having grown up at MGM, and could write a book on all I have seen already, about a decade worth of studio stuff!

Teamsters Local # 399 is how Hollywood rolls….

Training commences…stay tuned…

Written and lived by Donnie Norden…page 2

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time in Hollywood…1984-to be exact.

Hollywood is an amazing place. For a pittance, it can be yours to enjoy also. See iconic Worldwide Studios… behind the scenes and up close.

Explore the front and backlots with an experienced and professional staff. Pink and white Glamour Trams provide comfortable transportation around the studio acreage. These are operated by by highly-trained professionals who survive a rigorous training program. Hollywood Teamsters staff and operate the driven machinery.

Tour guides are barely represented by a much weaker union. They come and go like extras in a bad movie. Low pay, but with the promise you may be discovered by a high end director or talent agent, right here on the famous Worldwide lot with its famous Worldwide logo.

The logo appears as the opening to all Worldwide media. The logo, or globe, is fashioned inside a matrix of all the ways this studio can provide entertainment. It can ALL be yours, for a fee.

You never know when you will see someone famous, this separates us from competing theme parks such as Knots Berry Farm and Disneyland.

Other studios have tours also, but only this one has the Glamour Tram adventure. No two tours are the same…nor are any tour guides or drivers. Each pairing has it’s own subtlety, it’s a crapshoot if the combination and chemistry work in each pairing.

Many guides and drivers differ on how the tour should blend. If a driver does not mesh well with their guide, they often drive fast, complicating the tour guides’ job. Drivers dictate the flow and speed of the tour and it frustrates the unlucky guides who want to put on their own show for the tram guests.

Drivers are mostly males and require a class one license. Guides are mostly female with the gift of gab. That usually makes for fun tours. Often, drivers meet new guides upon boarding the tram at the loading area. The trams are fully loaded when a driver is dispatched to his vehicle. 

 

We all have at least one thing in common, we all are here to have fun…

Drivers make very good money, not as much as when we drive on shows, but more than most staffers combined. The Teamsters Local #399 controls all transportation on all studio lots, not just Worldwide. Tourism is seasonal and layoffs occur daily based off seniority.

Drivers who are released jump on shows, often on the same Worldwide lot. Worldwide is a small world. One day you can be driving tour guests around hungry for movie stars, the next you may be transporting these same stars in a plush van, limo, or motorhome.

The studio becomes a home… a wonderful playground for fun and games with access to a utopia of endeavors. To get this job as a driver, I simply responded to an add in the paper.

Drivers wanted…will train!

 

Page 1…Lived and written by Donnie Norden

 

 

 

 

 

TOUR GUIDES…

WINSTON… middle-aged adult with thick British accent. Takes himself very seriously. Not amused by children. Disengages when not the center of attention. Intellectual tours, often assigned to VIP tours for celebrities. Very boring, miscast for the average tram.

STEINBECK… normal heterosexual red blooded American young man. Unusual from this perticuliar department. Handsome, athletic, enjoys getting stoned before his tours. Usually, this takes place in the dog kennels adjacent to Glamour Tram loading area. Lots of stuff happens in this kennel, trust me. I just go in to pet the doggies, it often smell like a skunk has been inside here. John is the Captain of the Tour Guide softball team. I am the Captain of the Drivers team…My team has big burly men, his has many sleek, sexy women. Makes for good sports.

PAUL… looks like Paul of extraterrestrial fame from the movie of the same name. He has the same personality as E.T Paul also. Big head, thin build, glasses, really nice young man who injects humor into his tours. This is frowned upon by management. He gives quality sharp tours. I like when I see he is paired with me.

LANDIS… an in-law of a a director of the same name.The latter becomes involved in a law suit that rocked the studio.The Twilight Zone accident at Indian Dunes. He is just out of USC film school and is a part- timer here, why I’m not sure.

ROSS… a nice middle aged man, soft spoken and professional. Not sure why he does this dead end job.

LAURIE…Jewish princess, petite, sexy, especially on that microphone. Loves to wear hats. Often does VIP tours. A two year, seasoned veteran, of tour guiding. We go out now and then after work.

KATY… a maniac, the funnest guide ride of all. She part-times with the tour, after successfully becoming an assistant director in feature films.When she comes to do a complimentary occasional tour, she loves to rub it in to her friends. That would be burned out, disgruntled tour guides who barely make ends meet. She has beach blond look, raspy voice, will say anything depending on her crowd. Donnie wants to FUCK her and makes that clear. She knows where his head’s at when she climbs into the cockpit. She is his challenge, when she is on the lot.

BERLIN BUSTY… Dark hair, dark skin, well tanned from extra work. She beach eye candy scenes on the hit TV show Magnum P.I. She speaks fluent Deutsch. She doubles as a Berlin Porn Star, magazines that are circulating in the drivers’ break -room prove this. A picture is worth a thousand words. She shares special things with me as time goes on.

CANDY CAINE… Guide by day, stripper by night. Long hair, curvy, voluptuous. Has a tendency to wrap her legs around safety poles while on the microphone speaking to our guests. She must be reminded by shy nods, finger pointing, and this includes leg separation and undone blouse buttons.

ROACA… She does our Latin tours on Sundays. Very animated as she speaks loudly with a thick accent. Another healthy curvy tour guide, her guests laugh hard with lots of interaction but I get lost in translation… Lots of energy, and enthusiasim you can tell she only works one day a week….She reminds me of Charo, so I call her that.

DONNA… Dark hair, dark skin, brilliant white teeth with an infectious smile. She only does summer tours. She is in medical school the rest of the year. She and I hit it off very well. We discuss anatomy when our crowds are away. She is teaching me about G-spots. Things I never knew. I even learn on this tour. She offers to give me a physical in one of the empty star trailers we keep parked around the backlot. When I’m ready…maybe. I feel safe when touring with her.

THEME PARK OPERATIONS…

MIKE – MELTDOWN… as he is affectionately known. He is hired to replace an exodus of employees seeking fame and fortune in Florida and its new cheesy studio tour/ theme park. He is in his early thirties, looks like a cop. His previous job experience has not prepared him for this Glamour ride….The inmates run this asylum!

FELIX the CAT… Worked his way up the ranks from entry level Gate Popper, loading and unloading of Glamour Trams. He is a tiny, diminutive, Cuban, with a little man complex. He is capable of having you fired, and hates the drivers.

JEWELS… Ex-tour guide, pretty blonde. Her job is to evaluate tour guides randomly. She lurks hidden on-board amongst the tourists. Often in disguise. If and when the guide being evaluated spots her, they freeze up and become rigid. She dates a driver…. MAZE.

WILD BILL… Garage mechanic who lives up to his name, he does things not by the book. In fact, I am not sure he can read. But he can drink and smoke and get a tram out of practically anything. I dig him!

CARLY… A fine mechanic, part of the tram emergency response unit. Trams backup as far as you can see if a breakdown occurs on a busy day. This drags production vehicles to a halt…He looks like he just stepped off the set of Smokey and the Bandit. A real trucker type, reminds me of Jerry Reed andsounds like him. Likes to sing country, to the guests while fixing flat tires …East bound and down, loaded up and truckin…after repairs I get on the microphone and say “give this man a hand, ladies and gentlemen”…he keeps this tour moving, my man Carly! …When your hot your hot when your not, your not.

 

Glamour Tram character list…

Drivers… TEAMSTERS LOCAL 399

Donnie… Through his eyes the story is told. Fit, trim and handsome. The Beach Boy. He uses the studio as a tool for backstage access and the perks that roll with it. This job is a perfect complement to his movie studio addiction and drug addiction that started back in the late 1960’s at MGM.

IRIS… Lead dispatcher. Frail, clammy, never-been-outside look. Son of a Jewish lawyer. He is in charge of this misfit cast of drivers. He can drastically affect your world. If he likes you, you will be rewarded. Opposite is true if he does not. The most hated man on the hill.

JOHNNY… A yes man for IRIS. Constant lame smile always on his face. These two split a quarter million dollars a year, rumor has it. They live in the dispatch office overlooking the Glamour Tram boarding area. Just like an air traffic control in a tower.

VIKTOR… The Russian mafia chain smoker. In between tram tours he chain smokes and mumbles about how he is going to kill Iris. Scraggly beard, hair unkept. Thick Russian accent.

HOMO… Very handsome Robert Redford double. A veteran I looked up to as I arrived into this profession. Why not…he has fucked generations of tour guides here at Worldwide studios.

DON Hollywood… Donnie’s double, often confused for one another. Nicknamed Hollywood Don.. Not to be confused with Beach Boy Donnie, the main character. He can double for Donnie in a hot flash.

TRICIA… sex slave, temptress, female Teamster. Fit, trim, pretty. Armed with a class 1 license and a college degree to boot. She shows up wearing boots often.

MAZE… muscular character who loves to play cards rather than tour. Some poker games are legendary. Loaded trams often must wait for the game to to conclude before the driver boards the power unit. This disturbs Iris tremendously. These trams only make money when they’re moving people around.

KYLE…Another gay male chain smoker that gets treated well by Iris. Heavy set, beat up from cocaine addiction. Walks with a limp. Constantly sucking up his nose as you speak to him. Like a bad habit One of the only drivers to like Iris. For his reward, he only drives brand new, plush, air conditioned, vehicles with all the bells and whistles. Lucky me….he likes me.

RON & RITA… A married couple that work and carpool and live together. Nice normal folks.

ROBERT… An Eric Estrada look-a-like. Proud Mexican. Big shoulders and an even bigger……smile.

CHUCK… Drives for the music theater. Writes his own ticket, exempt from rules. Wears tank tops and flip flops mostly. Is exempt from Iris and answers only to music theater. He drives for the music bands themselves, and runs their errands and needs list. He himself is looked at as a rock star, Chuck is the MAN!

CLIFF… Gruff, gray and old and heavy set. Lines all over his face. Drove on shows for years, smokes heavy, likes an 8 hour day, for him it’s perfect as he usually leaves about 1 pm. Which is when we start getting very busy.

DENNIS… Old hippie, long unkept hair, shop steward. That means he is a liaison between drivers and management in any type of “tiff”, negotiation, or regulation violation. He also trains new Glamour tram drivers. He is superb at handling all these aspects.

ROSCOE… Skinny, tall Jewish fellow who often falls asleep in the tour animations and tram stops. Guides often need to wake him. Mind you, these animations can be ridiculously loud.

LINK… Afro- american in his mid-thirties. Rough customer. Jail time we affectionally call him. He hates us, the tourists, and the guides. Says he drove a school bus in Compton. Scary dude.

J J… Also afro-american, he doubles as BJ Baracus in the A-Team stunt show inside the theme park. When not driving a Glamour Tram, you may see him speed by in the A Team black and red van. Always smiling, and easily breaks into a big laugh.

VINCENT… A 300 pound ball of blubber. Short butch hair, stinks of sweat, always. She is short and may be a lesbian but who cares.You do not want to follow her in the driver’s seat. Food is usually all over the dash.

TILDA… Chain smoking, short hair, lesbian who matches Viktor in pure Iris hatred.

TED… Class mate, male centerfold for COSMO. He has got it all. Including a great sense of humor. He is also a SAG actor and is in many shows in small roles. Looks like HUEY LEWIS.

DICK… Class mate, elderly man, almost completely deaf. Vietnam veteran and helicopter door-gunner. Dislikes Asian tours tremendously.

BIG JOHN… Class mate, a good sized tattooed Latin American who speaks perfect English, yet looks like a cholo low-rider.

PROFESSOR JOHN… He reads endlessly. Ignoring everyone as he shrugs his nose up. His wife has a Master’s Degree and he wishes to be an intellectual Teamster. He and I get along and often chat for what seems like hours about world events.

CAPPY… Slim Jim look, Italiano. Shrewd entrepreneur, runs a gay-bar on Hollywood blvd. Drives a Ferrari. His dad is a big -time Teamster coordinator. He can pick his shows if he wishes. But he likes tours for the easy hours and proximity to his gay club/bar.

Big John, Prof John, Cappy, and Donnie form a partnership that brings this mixed bag of nuts into a special working agreement. They take over the parking lot shuttle trams to maximize their free time and fly under the radar!

Tour Guides… coming soon