Tour Guides… Operations


WINSTON… middle-aged adult with thick British accent. Takes himself very seriously. Not amused by children. Disengages when not the center of attention. Intellectual tours, often assigned to VIP tours for celebrities. Very boring, miscast for the average tram.

STEINBECK… normal heterosexual red blooded American young man. Unusual from this perticuliar department. Handsome, athletic, enjoys getting stoned before his tours. Usually, this takes place in the dog kennels adjacent to Glamour Tram loading area. Lots of stuff happens in this kennel, trust me. I just go in to pet the doggies, it often smell like a skunk has been inside here. John is the Captain of the Tour Guide softball team. I am the Captain of the Drivers team…My team has big burly men, his has many sleek, sexy women. Makes for good sports.

PAUL… looks like Paul of extraterrestrial fame from the movie of the same name. He has the same personality as E.T Paul also. Big head, thin build, glasses, really nice young man who injects humor into his tours. This is frowned upon by management. He gives quality sharp tours. I like when I see he is paired with me.

LANDIS… an in-law of a a director of the same name.The latter becomes involved in a law suit that rocked the studio.The Twilight Zone accident at Indian Dunes. He is just out of USC film school and is a part- timer here, why I’m not sure.

ROSS… a nice middle aged man, soft spoken and professional. Not sure why he does this dead end job.

LAURIE…Jewish princess, petite, sexy, especially on that microphone. Loves to wear hats. Often does VIP tours. A two year, seasoned veteran, of tour guiding. We go out now and then after work.

KATY… a maniac, the funnest guide ride of all. She part-times with the tour, after successfully becoming an assistant director in feature films.When she comes to do a complimentary occasional tour, she loves to rub it in to her friends. That would be burned out, disgruntled tour guides who barely make ends meet. She has beach blond look, raspy voice, will say anything depending on her crowd. Donnie wants to FUCK her and makes that clear. She knows where his head’s at when she climbs into the cockpit. She is his challenge, when she is on the lot.

BERLIN BUSTY… Dark hair, dark skin, well tanned from extra work. She beach eye candy scenes on the hit TV show Magnum P.I. She speaks fluent Deutsch. She doubles as a Berlin Porn Star, magazines that are circulating in the drivers’ break -room prove this. A picture is worth a thousand words. She shares special things with me as time goes on.

CANDY CAINE… Guide by day, stripper by night. Long hair, curvy, voluptuous. Has a tendency to wrap her legs around safety poles while on the microphone speaking to our guests. She must be reminded by shy nods, finger pointing, and this includes leg separation and undone blouse buttons.

ROACA… She does our Latin tours on Sundays. Very animated as she speaks loudly with a thick accent. Another healthy curvy tour guide, her guests laugh hard with lots of interaction but I get lost in translation… Lots of energy, and enthusiasim you can tell she only works one day a week….She reminds me of Charo, so I call her that.

DONNA… Dark hair, dark skin, brilliant white teeth with an infectious smile. She only does summer tours. She is in medical school the rest of the year. She and I hit it off very well. We discuss anatomy when our crowds are away. She is teaching me about G-spots. Things I never knew. I even learn on this tour. She offers to give me a physical in one of the empty star trailers we keep parked around the backlot. When I’m ready…maybe. I feel safe when touring with her.


MIKE – MELTDOWN… as he is affectionately known. He is hired to replace an exodus of employees seeking fame and fortune in Florida and its new cheesy studio tour/ theme park. He is in his early thirties, looks like a cop. His previous job experience has not prepared him for this Glamour ride….The inmates run this asylum!

FELIX the CAT… Worked his way up the ranks from entry level Gate Popper, loading and unloading of Glamour Trams. He is a tiny, diminutive, Cuban, with a little man complex. He is capable of having you fired, and hates the drivers.

JEWELS… Ex-tour guide, pretty blonde. Her job is to evaluate tour guides randomly. She lurks hidden on-board amongst the tourists. Often in disguise. If and when the guide being evaluated spots her, they freeze up and become rigid. She dates a driver…. MAZE.

WILD BILL… Garage mechanic who lives up to his name, he does things not by the book. In fact, I am not sure he can read. But he can drink and smoke and get a tram out of practically anything. I dig him!

CARLY… A fine mechanic, part of the tram emergency response unit. Trams backup as far as you can see if a breakdown occurs on a busy day. This drags production vehicles to a halt…He looks like he just stepped off the set of Smokey and the Bandit. A real trucker type, reminds me of Jerry Reed andsounds like him. Likes to sing country, to the guests while fixing flat tires …East bound and down, loaded up and truckin…after repairs I get on the microphone and say “give this man a hand, ladies and gentlemen”…he keeps this tour moving, my man Carly! …When your hot your hot when your not, your not.


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