Glamour and Glitz Tours – Glamour Tram Stories

Make sure we get David’s “Good Side“

Lets create some L.A Traffic

This guy has as much fun around here as me…

The STUD of the lot in the early 80s…I watched his career blossom alongside…The Glamour Tram

There is always more than one. In this series, cars get equal billing. But we only have” One David“

O.K we have two–who knew? And Six Kits Cars…

“Plug him in -see if he works- says Special Effects

The Ides of March

David Hasselhoff is like our studio’s version of Julius Caesar. The Kitt Car thinks it’s “the star,” and this car even talks. Come visit one of them, they are parked all over the lot. One talks to our tourists if you wait in a short line. Ask it anything about David when he’s not behind the wheel. This car and “The Hoff ” are tied to the leather seat upholstery by a seatbelt.

“The Vehicle” formerly named T.A.T.T. which translates to Trans Am Two Thousand. This high functioning picture car is based off a Pontiac Trans Am. WorldWide Studios made truckloads of money off a similar design the Burt Reynolds made famous on Smokey and the Bandit. My Tram Driver uniform jacket was designed after Burt’s jacket in that blockbuster hit. I pretend I’m Burt as I drive around the studio in my shiny silver jacket. It covers a red shirt that looks like an ice cream vendor would wear. Black Polyester pants that radiate in the hot valley sun complete my attire.

Burt is too big for T.V shows these days, so we hired this German Guy fresh off a daytime T.V series...Dr. Snapper was his characters name. The series, The Young and Restless, launched another career. A Glamour Tram tour guide was hired to star in this daytime soap opera. Blazing a trail for Day Tripper on Day Time T.V.

It’s Fun Being Burt…

This Trans Am car spinoff is a hit on N.B.C and Burt, A.K.A Sonny Hooper deserves car credits. Burt and David have things in common besides women hanging all over them, that would be…Trans Am Vehicles. These wonderful lyrics, written back in 1970 for my generation.

Ides of March- this classic tune written in 1970 is a perfect fit for this studio tour. We have vehicles of all shapes and sizes in our Transportation Department.

The Vehicle

Inside my tram is the voluptuous Berlin Busty. Of German Descent, she gives…Great Tours!.Now she is a specialty plate of all things “Deutsch.” An absolutely stunning model, extremely tanned and well endowed, she speaks fluid German. One of her “other jobs” is an interpreter for the German Consulate. Non of our other guides are diplomats, a few strip at local Hollywood Clubs at night, true Knight Riders…

This morning the two of us start a tour that is informative if you speak German. I read the lips and faces of both the guests. My gorgeous Fraulein is armed with a sharp tongue and a ten inch microphone. She answers questions in German, I imagine in English.

This morning as we drive into a bright sunrise, Knight Rider is on the backlot today. Our guests are eating Butterbrots and Wursts. I look German. Sylvester Stallone once offered me a part as a German Soldier on a film made on this lot. The film is titled Paradise Alley. This is a very Nordic Tour.

“Busty” told me on a previous tour while we were alone briefly about her career goals. “Break into the Hollywood Scene is all.” Just like every other guide who gets behind the microphone I think to myself. “The money here is so low, I wouldn’t get by without-side jobs.” What exactly are those side jobs” I blurt out as the empty tram heads back to tram dispatch?

“I do film work, just got back from Mexico on an adult film.” The rubber of my Glamour Tram tires grips the road tightly. We are climbing a hill in my 16 wheeler. My hands are gripping the steering wheel just as tightly. Berlin continues in perfect English-“I do a lot of work on Magnum P.I in Hawaii, Bikini background scenes on the beach mostly.” What a diverse resume as I drive as slow as this empty tram can go…

On today’s tour, I realize we are being stalked by a Trans Am. It’s David Hasselhoff, he often pulls up alongside trams in the Kitt Car. We are driving slowly down New York Street. The Knight Rider Base Camp is set up on the backside of this street. Michael Knight peruses the tram.

“Who’s the German Girl behind the microphone?”…asks the inquisitive KITT.

On my side of the tram is…Berlin Busty in a Bikini on a Bill board. Like a vulture swooping in, here comes Michael Knight.

Tram 8313 is now on K.I.T.T.’s radar, their is an interaction that is all things German. At each turn, it seems Michael speeds by. He only slows down to stare at 175 fanatics who are in the midst of a Glamour Tram Breakfast.

Ms. Busty seems to be a star favorite, Tom Selleck, grab your snorkel. David Hasselhoff shares your same interests…

My tour guide is a star, especially in Germany and Hawaii…watch out for Bruce the Shark!

Who wants to drive in that Ferrari anyways? say K.I.T.T.

I don’t speak German fluently. However, I interpret many languages. Our guides could double as Flight Attendants on any International Flights. I feel like a pilot for Lufthansa today.

As we wind down our specialty tour, I help guests unwind in our closing act, The Spinning Tunnel of Ice. Laughter and screams translate the same in every language. I just hope my guests can hold down their Sauerbraten as we conclude our guided tour. These folks started early because they have a plane to catch…Tschuss, Auf Wiedersehen, Lebe wohl, Mach’s gut, Ich Mus los and so on…

See You- Ms. Busty- On T.V, On Trams, and appearing somewhere “Knightly” near you!

Written and lived by….Donnie Norden

Prop Plaza is clear to land…

The tight winding road circles around a large phone and even larger shopping cart before passing under a waterfall. Props used in the Incredible Shrinking Woman create a lure for travelers to exit happily for some overpriced refreshments. No drinking fountains up here, just a very hot summer sun. Employees know this is a cash grab. This area provides a place to store cattle “tour guests” on super crowded summers and holidays.

Fire codes regarding over crowding has Tour Operations spreading out guests through out our lot. 31 Glamour and Supertrams provide mobile segmentation. This tour is a well oiled machine as is each 16 wheel tram. Your entry ticket provides inclusion to this rest stop that greets you half way through your driven tour. You just lost your breath on the collapsing bridge. You endured the steep climb. Many trams struggle to reach the Hollywood Terrace / Prop Plaza guest stop.

Many guests wish to defer from exiting. They see the long line of frustrated families driving by. These families are waiting to reboard for the second half of the professionally guided tour.

Deferring is not an option…

This is when the guide and driver get flack from the customers refusing to debark. Technically, from a driver standpoint, the next maneuver I must do requires no load in the trailers. We carry out a precision tight squeeze around a horseshoe turn. Cement barriers are a foot along each tram side. This is how we pull in to the final position to reload this 120-foot people mover. We can’t see the trailers clearly. So, we must trust our instruments to execute the complex tram positioning safely.

Those instruments would be a steering wheel, airbrakes, and a front left tire in particular. This area was originally designed safely for a smaller tram that holds 125 guests. Now, WorldWide Studios purchased 20 trams that carry 175 guests in their wide body. This creates the tightest of squeezes. We are proud Hollywood Teamsters can run anything on 2,4, 12, or 16 wheels. I have a smile on my face, and I’m dressed in polyester pants, and an orange shirt. I look like an ice cream vendor, not a Teamster.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road…

A yellow painted line is the most key part in correctly being positioned. This is the most important yellow line on this movie lot. Under no-terms can you vary from this line. Your front left tire must be exactly on the edge. Otherwise, you will hit a cement wall. Patient guests finally see there escape vehicle coming to save them. Kids are excited again. Parents can’t wait to sit down. The anticipation of part 2 of the driven tour will start as quickly as 175 guests can take a seat.

Down the home stretch we come, my tour guide on my side, seated with a microphone and showbiz good looks. All systems are normal. The landing gear is down. An obstacle suddenly presents itself on that exact yellow line. A lined up with 200 guests waiting to board. I continue as slow as possible over this paper type object, a mob is waiting, more people than seats. All Tour employees generate happy smiles as we merge with the public.

Ten feet from my stopping mark everyone’s excitement is jolted. A “POP,” as loud as a shot gun goes off. Like a bomb was just detonated.Pellets disperse like Buckshot. Thousands of brown pellets have “unloaded” themselves on the unsuspecting and visibly disturbed guests. This moment unravels instantly yet unsuspectingly, like a time release tablet or a game of domino’s after the LOUD pop. Then facial reactions as people realize what this substance is…speechless, disgusted, and panicked as guests have been blasted by a babies tiny diaper. It seems as if this kid ate like a pony.

Shit hits the Fan– it’s a heavily packed diaper…

People start examining themselves like Chimps at the Animal Actor Stage. No part of your body is safe. Clothes, skin, hair – all being potential….Hazardous Waste. Not the employees, “we all dodged that bullet, but we weren’t trained for this!”

This is a job for OPERATIONS.…

The tour must go on-“But Not With These People.” Clean families can come board Haz Mat, is on its way as is Engine 51 of Emergency Fame. No one is physically injured, just their pride and probably their vacation in Hollywood. “Disneyland has accidents too” says Mike Meltdown from tour operations. Very calming words of wisdom. He remains speechless, surveying this main artery, just clenching his walkie-talkie, speechless.

Instantly, every souvenir item we can offer is rushed to this Hollywood Terrace. Clothing is rushed up as guests many guests are in need of it. In some cases, they must completely undress. They then wear sanitary clean gift apparel from JAWS The REVENGE and The A-TEAM. In fact, the A-Team van is parked next to the line cues. Cups bearing Sharks and MR. T emblems are handed out at NO-Charge- “a seven dollar value.“

“Help us Please- their is shit everywhere”

“Mom and Dad really smell bad, I’m not sitting next to them anymore!”

Employees in the middle of this meltdown keep “concerned looks” on their faces, but struggle to keep from laughing. Frankly, “we can’t stop laughing!”

All Aboard, next stop-The Flashflood, 10,000 Gallons of Black Water will clean you up – a bit!

Written and lived by….Donnie Norden

Tag: Glamour and Glitz Tours

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